If I told you I’m always talking to myself, would you think I’m 'crazy?' The truth is: my brain never turns off—like, EVER. My thoughts echo through my mind, dictating who I am and who I could never be. But most of these thoughts don’t even belong to me. They come from different people, perceptions, experiences, beliefs, and expectations. If there are 10 different people’s voices in my head, there are 1,000 thoughts racing through my mind. It’s hard to tell where their voices end and mine begins. My brain has everyone center stage, handing them a microphone to amplify their words—except for me.
People often tell me to meditate. OK, THANK YOU FOR THE GREAT ADVICE! Just quiet my mind? NEVER THOUGHT TO TRY THAT! Think only positive thoughts? YOU CURED ME! Do you know what no one tells me? HOW TO DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS! If I knew how to quiet my mind, meditate, listen to myself, differentiate the voices, and shift all my thoughts to positive, then don’t you think I would have done that by now?!
There are so many thoughts that my brain can barely focus or concentrate on the present moment. My brain doesn’t know where these voices end and where mine begins. Do I even have an inner voice? Because my mind is so polluted with all of these outside thoughts that I don’t hear it anywhere within me.
There is so much pollution inside my brain. It’s like my mind is shrouded by toxic air, like smoke and falling ashes. The toxins, where do they come from? It’s easy to blame everyone around me. It’s easy to point fingers at the mean and hurtful words thrown at me. But it’s just as easy to take accountability. (IT’S NOT NEARLY AS DRAMATIC AND WHAT’S THE FUN OF THAT?!) It’s how I’ve come to regain a fraction of control to begin neutralizing the smoke and cleaning up the ashes. After all, toxic air can only be removed from inside it.
STEP 1 – The Themes
The biggest challenge was where to start. How do I separate the voices? How do I even make sense of the scramble of words within my mind echoing like a broken record? Where do I find myself?
I started identifying the common themes of the thoughts. In alphabetical order, my top 5 were:
Better without you
Not good enough
Useless
Wasted potential
Worthless
STEP 2 – The Facts
It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me!!! (I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF, I’M SORRY) This was the main belief I was going to defeat first. Because once I no longer saw myself as an undefeatable villain in my own mental health, I was ready to fight to find myself for myself. I went into combat.
Combat Strategy? I asked myself why each of these was true. Who says you’re not good enough? Who says you’re wasted potential? If the answer came from anyone or anywhere outside myself, then these weren’t my thoughts. The person who attacked me, not living up to my fullest potential, was likely insecure about not reaching theirs. The people who didn’t want to love me or be part of my life were reflecting on what they wanted and/or were missing. I realized that none of these themes circling my brain had anything to do with me. They were all projected onto me by others – whether it was intentional or not. Their words may have come in all different shapes and sizes, but the way I internalized them was my downfall. I let in the toxins unknowingly, unwillingly, and unintentionally. In moments of vulnerability, the aching words, the shattering beliefs, the agony, the hurt, it all came in like a breeze of smoke, with each thought falling like ashes.
STEP 3 – The Past
So, to recap, the toxins were from an external source. My brain took the externals and formed core beliefs around them. These themes polluted my mind, making it more and more difficult to see myself. And healing the external source would not heal my internal ache. The only way through this was in this.
Who was I before all of this? What did I enjoy? Who did I want to become? (OO, THESE WERE GOOD REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS, BUT, OH MAN, THEY ARE HARD. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS? HELLO?)
I was a kid who liked to play with her stuffed animals, and I would create routines for them. I was imaginative.
I was a kid who identified with Belle, and I would read books, sometimes not looking up for hours. I was curious.
I was a kid who wrote stories and wanted to share them with the world. I was creative.
Francesca, better known as “Cesca” at that time, was imaginative, curious, and creative.
STEP 4 – The Present
Now, how do these resonate with who I am today?
I like to channel my imagination by creating new conversations and ways of approaching mental health, whether it is through podcasting or policy change. I imagine a better way of doing things and then I do them!
I still enjoy reading. I try to read at least a couple of books a month. Usually self-help and business books because I like to learn more about myself and how the world works.
I still enjoy writing stories. Right now, I have been engaging my creativity as I develop mental wellness workbooks to innovate the way we approach mental health in our education system.
All of these things that described me before the toxins within the world around me poisoned my brain with doubt still describe me today. I cannot think of a reason that I am wasted potential, but I can list hundreds of reasons why I am creative.
STEP 5 – The Voice Within Me
The destructive thoughts and debilitating self-doubt were very real, and they were impacting me in more ways than I could count. But just because it is real does not mean it is true. I get to decide what is true about me – through my thoughts and actions.
Lastly, I started closing my eyes, listening to the thoughts that made me question everything about myself, and then I started countering them. Phase 2 of combat was total destruction. I attacked each thought head-on. I reminded myself over and over again that these words echoing in my brain don’t have to define me or control me anymore. I can begin to clear the smoke.
As the thoughts began to lose their power over me, the smoke began to clear, and I found myself again within it all. I found my voice – it was soft and calming (UNLESS YOU ASK MY PARENTS. HI MOM AND DAD) voice. It was passionate and optimistic about who I can become. It was celebratory of all the good things I am offering the world. It did not tell me I had to do MORE; it told me that I was making an impact with even my tiniest moves.
Conclusion
The negative thoughts still exist and are very real and, oftentimes, ruthless. But they don’t have power over me in the same way anymore. I can differentiate which thoughts are mine and which are coming from someone or somewhere else. I can identify when the thoughts began and how I internalized them. It’s no longer self-destructive; it’s productive in my journey of self-discovery.
All this time, the smoke consumed the air within and around me, leaving me gasping for oxygen. And now, it’s like I can finally breathe again. And, if I can just remember to find my voice, I can and will keep breathing.
Your Turn
You don’t have to be stuck in the smoke. It’s time to breathe again. Are you ready? Download the activity guide below and take the first step.
