If I say I like myself, I am conceited. If I say I don’t like myself, I am attention-seeking. Marketing campaigns for beauty, fitness, and weight loss products tell me what I should be doing in order to love myself. My Instagram feed gives me 100 reasons I am not on the right track in any area of my life. To summarize, I am surrounded by all the ways I could or should change myself, but I am supposed to love myself as I am. But it has to be a secret because no one likes an overly confident female.
How am I supposed to love myself in a world that gives me a million reasons not to?
That was my internal scream the other day until I shifted my perspective. Maybe self-love isn’t about loving myself 100% of the time despite every marketing campaign and Instagram post gnawing at me. Maybe self-love is choosing to acknowledge all the outside voices but then quiet them enough to be present with me at the moment. What if self-love isn’t confidence, it’s acceptance?
Acceptance
HA! Accept me as I am? In this body with today’s standard of beauty?! With these finances in the 2025 economy?! In this life, being invisible in a world obsessed with follower counts?! HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT?!
I was exploring self-acceptance in someone who constantly feels insecure (Hi, it’s me!), and I learned something new. I had to shut off the external voices, quiet my ruminating thoughts, and separate myself from society’s inclusion into my own person. It would no longer be about striving to hit these milestones or reach an impossible measure of success that was ever-fluctuating. Why? Because even if I did finally learn how to do the perfect eyeliner wing, it wouldn’t be trendy anymore next week. I finally joined a yoga studio, and everyone moved on to Pilates. I kept changing directions, focusing on what everyone else was doing, trying to play an endless game of catch-up. And it hit me; I was so focused on trends, fitting in, and being cool that I had no idea what I actually enjoyed. Did I like the bubble bath nail polish color? (NO) Did I like 6 AM workout classes? (NO, I HIT SNOOZE 10 TIMES A MORNING) Did I like eating kale with beets? (NO, I LIKE ARUGULA WITH BEETS). Jokes aside – I was so intentional about the influencer life that I became so disconnected from Francesca.
Self-love wasn’t 6a yoga classes and a kale salad at lunch. Self-love wasn’t getting the same haircut as everyone else. The more I tried to do what I thought I was supposed to do, the less I loved myself – scratch that – the less I knew myself.
How do you begin to love someone you don’t even know?
So, maybe self-love isn’t a trend. Maybe self-love is exploring who you are and accepting that it isn’t something you can chase; it’s something inside you. Self-love is unconditional and comes from within you; it does not falter or change with the seasons.
Self-love is letting go of the chase, the external satisfaction. Self-love is being present with yourself.
“I love you because you wear Jimmy Choos and eat Erewhon for lunch every day. I love you because your body is perfect, and your weight never fluctuates. I love you because you have the same haircut and nails as Hailey Bieber.” F#$K that – no one who loves you would list any of those reasons as why they love you!
“I love you because you make me laugh. I love you because you show up, even when I am struggling to show up for myself. I love you because you follow your heart.” That’s likely how you’d respond to a friend asking, “Why do you love me?”
So—if those are reasons we love our friends, those are probably reasons that our friends love us.
Let’s do a check-in.
Text 5 friends: Why do you love me? Write down their responses. (Need a place to write this down? Download the activity sheet!) And, if you think FIVE FRIENDS, MY MOM IS MY ONLY FRIEND – that’s what I was thinking at first, too. KEY – Look at your texts, call log, Instagram DMs, or CALL MOM. You’ve got a lot more people in your corner than you think!
Here are my friend’s responses:
“I love you because you’re a great human and friend, and you are one of the most genuine people I've ever met. You remind me of sunshine and are always here for me.” — Alisa
“I love you because you’re so passionate about inspiring my generation. The way you throw yourself into what you believe in with such energy and conviction is honestly inspiring. Your enthusiasm to make a difference is contagious, and it pushes others to think bigger and strive harder. You bring a unique sense of purpose and joy to everything you do, and being around you makes me want to be better, too.” -- Ashley
“I love you because, unlike a lot of people, you always understand what I am going through, and when I am crashing out about school, you can actually calm me down. I love you because you're always there for me, always down to do my random activities. I love you because of the work you do and all the people you help. I love you because you're the sister I needed.” — Bella
“First, I love how silly and fun you are. You are unabashedly in love with Taylor Swift and don’t care who knows it lol. You are incredibly intelligent and driven. You are passionate about the things you care about and are creating a life for yourself that revolves around making other people's lives better and making them feel less alone. You definitely enjoy the finer things in life but are very humble at the same time and always make people feel special when they're around you. You're all around a wonderful person, and I am grateful to call you, my friend.” -- Marina
“I love you because you have been by my side for as long as I can even remember. Through all the milestones, through all the hard times, and all the best times. I love you because even when you are thousands of miles away, our friendship doesn’t change in the slightest. I love you because you are the biggest pain in the a**. It makes me die laughing. I love you because no matter what I know I can count on you no matter where you are or the time to show up.” -- Sam
I have reread these responses multiple times, and I’ve come to realize that not a single person used my Instagram following, social media engagement, body size, ability to style my hair or do my makeup, where I live, what car I drive, and my GPA. These external things I have hyper-focused on were irrelevant to the people who loved me. In fact, I was using these as a way to reject myself and chase self-love. And, if we were in Vegas, I’d go all in on a bet that this was your experience, too!
Take a few minutes and read through the reasons your friends responded with. Highlight or write down at least 5 favorite positive descriptive words or behaviors that were shared.
Here are mine:
I am genuine
I am passionate about things I care about
My work with Inspiring My Generation
I am always there for my friends
My energy and enthusiasm
I am driven
I love Taylor Swift (I HAD TO!!)
Writing it in as part of who I am using “MY, I AM, I LOVE” shifted my perspective. In front of me is a list of reasons my friends love me and characteristics I admire about myself. The 7 items I listed encompass how I would want to be seen. And, again, in Vegas, I am all in, betting on the fact that you are having this same revelation!
(Not to turn into a cliché but) Self-love is internal; it’s built upon all the things I am, NOT all the things I am not. If I can get outside my head, into my community, and, more importantly, in touch with my inner self, I can cultivate self-love. It really comes from the inside out.
So, today, right now, at this moment, as I am typing each word, I am choosing self-acceptance. I am accepting who I am, not what I’ve been told or conditioned to be. I am choosing to accept that I, Francesca Reicherter, am worthy of love – and not just by others, but truly love from myself. I am not going to try to stand in other people’s sunshine, running from clouds above me. Because it turns out, I am the sunshine!
