Everyone tells me to keep going, but what happens when nothing changes? How do I keep going in a life that feels stagnant, where every step never brings me forward? How do I keep going when life feels like quicksand, where every step makes me sink further into the ground?
There have been so many moments where it felt like my life was going up in flames, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not extinguish them. There have been times when I felt I had burned my life to ashes—most notably, the first morning I woke up in the psychiatric unit.
What if “keep going” isn’t about forcing yourself forward but about letting go and forging a new path?
Sitting in my darkest moments, I realized how much of my life was consumed by an expectation of who to be. Whether it was explicit messages from others or implicit messages from different forms of media, it was all telling me the same things. This is what you should be and how you should behave. No one ever asked me what I wanted until I was in college, and I had to start finding myself with no basis of identity other than being well-behaved. I was a people-pleaser who found a sense of worth in doing what I was told and exceeding what was expected of me. My identity depended on external validation, which meant I labeled myself as not good enough anytime I didn’t live up to the expectations.
The hardest decision I ever had to make was to let that part of me die.
The people-pleaser, the obedient good girl, the girl who stayed silent and did what she was told had to die. I dyed my bleached blond hair dark brown and chopped the long layers off into a short bob. I physically changed the person in the mirror to change who I saw. I wasn’t just changing my hair—I was shedding the old me, the one who lived for approval, who stayed small to be accepted. It was a symbol of my rebirth.
Like the legend of the phoenix, I had to let my life burn to the ashes to rise, I had to die to be reborn.
A phoenix doesn’t stay in the ashes—it was made to rise. So was I. And so are you.
Step 1: Burning It Down
Your past does not have to define you. This was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn (OK, I am still learning!!). Who I was did not have to be who I am nor limit who I could become.
The most important questions I asked myself were,
Who do I admire, and why do I admire them?
It didn’t matter if they were real people or characters in entertainment; they just had to have characteristics I admired.
One of the fictional characters I admired was Rachel from FRIENDS. I admired her because she was brave. She was willing to let go of the story written for her, burn down her identity, and instead forge a new true path. She didn’t live in the future laid out for her because it was expected. Instead, she left that path and made her own, even though staying on the original path would have been much easier.
One of the real people I admired was Taylor Swift (I KNOW YOU WERE EXPECTING THIS!). I admired her because she was fearless, outspoken, and went unapologetically after what she wanted. Taylor embodied everything I hoped the future me would become.
Then, I had to ask myself:
Which of my behaviors don’t align with what I value?
I valued the idea of stepping away from expectations and a dictated path. Yet, I was trying to listen to so many voices pointing me in so many directions that I had no idea who I was or what I wanted and constantly felt like I was falling short of the “should be.” I valued being outspoken and unapologetic in my pursuits, yet I was scared to use my voice and kept apologizing for just existing as myself. None of my behaviors, actions, or myself was truly aligned with my heart.
I had to let it all go. I had to let it come crashing down and go up in flames.
I had to let the version of me, who I didn’t want to be, die so I could one day become who I was meant to be.
Step 2: To Ashes
It was in the ashes that I found myself. When I lit the scales of resistance and shed the expectations, my identity rose in flames. I found myself in the remnants of what was or what could have been.
This left a unique opportunity for me because I could reflect inward on myself for the first time in my life. After all, the only way out is through, and the only way through is in. And, with the outside gone, all that remained was what was within me. The external disappeared into the ashes, but my heart was still strong.
I asked myself,
What do I want?
Let go of everyone and everything else.
If no one ever told you what you wanted, what would you want if the thoughts in your brain were silent for just a moment?
Here’s what I learned: I wanted to feel accepted and loved. I didn’t want to feel ashamed of myself or my past. I wanted to reclaim it – my past could be the ending, or it could be the beginning; it just depended on how I chose to see it. And I chose to make it a new beginning. In the ashes, I saw exactly who I was: a fighter. I was resilient and strong-willed. I could be outspoken, and I did not have to apologize for chasing after my goals too loudly. Who I was, unfiltered, was enough and always will be (even on the days I struggle to remember that)!
The path originally laid out in front of me was a great path. It was practical and sensible. It kept me physically close to my loved ones and on a steady track. And it was not the path I wanted. Everything on that path prevented me from individualizing, from self-discovery, growth, and evolution. Going down that path, I could not have gone wrong, yet it didn’t feel right or true to me and my values. If I wanted to become someone I admired, someone like Rachel or Taylor, I had to change direction – embrace uncertainty and chase the unknown.
This started with sitting in the ashes, giving me time to rest and explore myself. When I started discovering things I wanted, it was time to follow my heart before letting the external voices in to tell me otherwise.
So, I moved to Los Angeles and chose a location with the things that were important to me. I stopped letting everyone tell me what they felt was important in an apartment and focused on the fun choice for me.
What would make me smile and laugh in the middle of the day? What would make me feel good?
And I started making new friends. I found people who lifted me up and told me how amazing I was, and I let go of the people who made me question myself. For the first time in my life, I made choices based solely on what aligned with myself in this present moment, not what made sense to everyone else around me.
And as those changes came to be, so did my rebirth.
Step 3: Rising
This is where I am right now. I’ve come back from the ashes and grown wings. I am learning to fly, and I still fall a lot. Here’s what I am focusing on now:
Confidence: Where does it come from? Is it coming from other people’s validation or based on my own experiences and internal beliefs?
Courage: What am I chasing after? What does this mean to me? Why am I willing to risk failure?
Persistence: What is keeping me going? How am I cultivating my strength within?
Honesty: Where is the line between persistence and stagnation? When is persistence becoming resistance? When do I need to let go and change directions?
I am checking in with myself and am no longer sacrificing myself to keep something from burning down. If a part of me has to die to find a more authentic part, ignite the fire.
I am a phoenix – I was born to rise. AND FRIEND, SO ARE YOU.
