When I look up at the sky and see the clouds grow dark, I can recognize a storm is approaching. I wish recognizing an impending internal storm was that simple.
Examining the different episodes in my life that I label as “internal storms,” I learned two things:
Instead of acknowledging my feelings, I tell myself that I’m fine
Instead of talking to someone, I hold it inside.
And the longer those two things brewed together, the more intense the storm grew. Like a tropical storm building speed in the ocean long enough to progress into a destructive hurricane, the storm within me got stronger and stronger until it could no longer be tamed within. The emotional outbursts were just as unpredictable as the direction and wind gushes of the hurricane. And when the storm finally passes, I am left feeling helpless in the midst of destruction around me haunted by the question, how did we end up here again?
Five Step Method
It took me a while, but I’ve started developing a method to track the direction of my internal winds and gather resources to minimize the damage. Can I prevent every storm? No! Can I learn to prepare better for the next storm? Yes! Can I learn to track the storm, understand where it comes from, and help redirect it? Yes!
Now, I am going to share with you the five-step method that’s been working for me for the past few months.
Checking in with myself and acknowledging my feelings and experiences.
Making space to feel, even the emotions that I don’t want to.
Understanding where the emotions are coming from and what the experience means to me.
Determining and employing tools that help me better understand and manage emotions.
Reaching out when I need to – not forcing myself to face the storm alone.
Checking in with myself and acknowledging my feelings and experiences.
We often live in this mindset of “fake it till you make it,” which may work great for some people in different situations. However, for me and my mental health, it was a very detrimental mindset. I had to learn to be honest with myself instead of continuously convincing myself that I was fine. Here are the questions I asked myself:
How am I feeling today? And how am I experiencing that feeling?
What’s been consuming my mind lately? How is that impacting how I feel and experience the world around me?
Which moments throughout the week felt difficult for me (even if it doesn’t sound like it should be a big deal)?
In my internal storm, these are the moments where I can identify the clouds beginning to block the sun.
Making space to feel, even the emotions I don’t want to.
My instinct is to avoid the difficult emotions. Who wants to cry, right?! Well, here is what I noticed: When I allowed myself to feel everything I was feeling without shame, guilt, or suppression, my experience was more therapeutic. I didn’t need to cry until my eyes were swollen, my nose was running, and I finally fell asleep. I needed to sit with the emotions, validate them, and feel them how my mind and body needed to. Here’s the rules I created for myself:
Identify the emotion then validate it!
Sit with the emotion and feel it however I need to. (For me, sometimes, it is just sitting on the floor, knees tucked into my chest, my arms wrapped around, head down, and deep breaths. A total self-supporting hug.)
Don’t rush or shame the emotions. Let them exist as they need to.
In my internal storm, these are the moments that distinguish cloudiness from the formation of darker clouds. Allowing myself to feel is like letting the clouds rain instead of waiting for the lightning to strike.
Understanding where the emotions are coming from and what the experience means to me.
In the beginning, the only thing worse than feeling my emotions was trying to understand them. Because I never tried to identify the emotions, it felt like a tornado inside my brain creating all these uncontrollable external responses. When I started to identify the emotions, then, I could explore where they came from and what that experience meant to me. Here are my steps:
Where did this feeling come from?
What did that experience or thought mean to me?
How can I reassign the meaning to regain a sense of control?
In my internal storm, these are the moments that determine the darkness of the clouds and the direction they are heading.
Determining and employing tools that help me better understand and manage emotions.
This is where the intensity of the storm’s impact is fated. How do you prepare for a big storm? Maybe you stock up on canned food and cases of water, fill up your gas tank, or secure the windows and outdoor furniture. Although we cannot prevent storms, there are many ways to prepare for them. Sometimes, with preparation, the effects can be mitigated (although not always). It’s the same with my mental health. Having tools helps me prepare for and manage internal storms to the best of my ability. Here are three of my favorite tools:
Cognitive Restructuring: I like to rewrite the thoughts in my head to make them feel less overwhelming. For example, instead of saying “I’m not good enough,” I might say, “I’m still learning.”
Self-Expression: I like to find different ways to express my emotions. For example, I might listen to music and have a dance party (Alex, Play “Fearless Taylor’s Version”) or write in my journal.
Movement: I like to release energy by moving my body. For example, I might go for a walk when I am feeling anxious or go to yoga to calm my breath.
In my internal storm, these are the moments that distinguish a rainy day from a thunderstorm.
Reaching out when I need to – not forcing myself to face the storm alone.
Lastly, the storms are going to happen, I cannot prevent them, but I can prepare for them. However, the most helpful part of all is knowing I do not have to face the storm alone. I remember being snuggled up on a mattress on my parent’s bathroom floor as a child hiding in the safest spot in our home during Hurricane Wilma. We did everything we could to prepare, but the power still went out. I don’t remember much of the destruction from that storm, but I remember braving it together.
When my internal storms appear and take control, the best thing I can do for myself is to ask for help. Whether it was calling my friends to talk or having a friend sleep next to me to be there for the inevitable midnight panic attacks, there were moments I felt I could not have made it through if I had to face it alone.
In my internal storm, these are the moments that distinguish a thunderstorm from a hurricane.
Takeaway
Storms happen; sometimes, we can recognize them early and mitigate the impact; sometimes, we recognize them and can move in a safer direction, and sometimes, we don’t see them coming and have to face them with whatever resources we have available. But however, the storms surface, we do not have to face them alone.
