Take a deep breath and count to 10, then respond.
I learned this at a young age from watching General Hospital with my mom. Jason would tell Carly to count to 10 to calm down before she reacted (though, most of the time, she reacted anyway—but that’s beside the point).
It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with my mental health, often reacting to emotional turmoil instead of responding. It’s so much easier to react and much harder to make amends afterward. For a good portion of my life, I was known for reacting (some might even say overreacting). At the time, it always made sense to me, and I could justify anything I did.
The problem was, I kept myself in a toxic cycle, stuck in a perpetual victim mindset. I told myself that everyone else’s behavior justified my responses, and while that may have felt true at times, it never really was. At the end of the day, I could rationalize my reactions and justify them to others, but that only kept me from feeling calm within myself. It was like carrying a fire inside me that I only fueled instead of letting it burn out.
Was it my fault? Was it their fault? I eventually realized those weren’t even the right questions. The real question was:
What do I want from this situation?
I have a choice. I can choose to react, or I can choose to respond. For me, that choice is made in the 10 seconds following the event. Reacting is instinct, something in my body and emotions gets triggered, and I unconsciously act before my brain has a chance to process. Responding, on the other hand, is conscious. When something triggers me, I take a deep breath and count to 10. That pause gives my body time to settle so my brain can take over. I feel in control, and I can respond with intention.
Here’s what I’ve learned: I can feel triggered by an event and choose to react. I can rationalize my behavior and justify it by saying, They’re wrong. I can spend my time and energy defending myself, labeling others as bad while convincing myself I’m just misunderstood. I can choose to play the victim (sometimes even rightfully so); however, staying stuck in victimhood means everyone else has control over me except me.
Sometimes, when I feel activated and someone else is playing the victim to shift blame onto me, I’ll repeat any line in my head that makes me laugh and immediately releases some of the tension I’m holding.
Although Carly often reacted before thinking, she always owned her actions. And she had a best friend who reminded her constantly to take a step back before reacting. I learned this lesson before I was even 10 years old, but I didn’t realize how much it impacted me until more than a decade later.
As a therapist trainee, one of my youth clients once asked me, “How do you not react?” She wanted to know what I personally do to keep from reacting. Without hesitation, I answered: I take a step back, I take a deep breath, I count to ten, and then I respond. That pause gives my brain just enough time to catch up so I can make a conscious choice. I couldn’t believe that nearly two decades later, my inner voice still came from a TV show I watched with my mom. It just goes to show the impact early messages can have on us and the power of what we consume (I digress).
If you struggle with walking the line between reacting and responding, you’re not alone. I know, you’re probably thinking, “Counting to 10 doesn’t work.” And honestly, being told to count to 10 can feel frustrating. But the counting isn’t the point.
What matters is stepping out of your body and into your mind.
Carly once said that she had to count to 100 to cool down enough not to react. Personally, I usually have to count to 10 about 10 times to lower my heart rate so I can say “okay” instead of “what the **** is wrong with you.” Jokes aside, I’ve learned that counting to 10 isn’t about the number, it’s about creating space. Removing myself from the situation long enough to catch my breath gives me the control to recognize I have a choice. And whatever I choose to do in that moment, I can confidently own it.
So the next time you feel stuck in the cycle of reacting, remember:
Take a deep breath. Count to 10. Then respond.
